change (in the house of flies)

well hello there september old friend.

as always, september means the end of summer and the start of the most glorious season, fall. crisp air, cardigans and mittens and rosy cheeks and a breeze that sweeps up all the colours of the world into a warm daze of bliss and warm drinks and excellent books.

oh, and school.
this year, school is going to be its hardest yet, its the year of making the demanded averages. its the year i must put hanging out and parties behind my textbooks and seriously crack down on mastering the french language. i mean, switzerland isn't going to take itself by storm, so i can't be falling behind.

this year will be an interesting one. it is the first year i live with different people, having lived with the same people since first year and now due to co-op placements and financial situations, we have all been separated. i see this as both positive and negative. thus far, i have been more productive and willing to do homework and catch up on sleep, but at the same time it is a bit lonely being without the same people i've always depended on to distract me from my studies. but i still see them around, and my new housemates do seem quite lovely, i suppose its just a change adjustment that i'm suffering from.

i also find myself missing my old town friends, we haven't had a wild night out in space in such a long time and it really does make me laugh just to think about all the things we've done. its a little harder to hang out now that we all have scattered around ontario, but i just can't help but be excited for the next time i get to see them all together and we can do what we do best, transcend into space and just have a blast. on the brightside, i am seeing one of my best friends, julia, this weekend for a night filled with concert festivals happening in my current town! very exciting, we've been planning on this all summer long and now its only days away!

this year, i really think things are going to go just swell. i have courses that i am truly interested in (for example theories of reality) which i really think will help me actually attend school instead of staying home to fill my time fruitlessly. i want to rip open the top of my head and cram everything i possibly can in there, learn everything and be able to further my understanding of reality and humans and interactionism and rationalism and just everything there is to know about earth and nature and life and y'know? you know when you just feel like you might explode because you're so excited and willing and passionate about something? i certainly hope you've felt that way about something, anything in your life before, as it is simply the GREATEST feeling in the world. i have found a path to school that involves a forest hike, and a petting zoo with a little berry bush growing just off the path. it just instills this great excitement to think i can converse with nature, invest her goodness into myself, take deep breaths and appreciate the world all while on my way to fill my silly little brain full of knowledge and then stumble my way back home. i also have been experimenting with foods. of course. i always am. but this time exercise is also a part of the experiment! i suppose many of you think, hey, that's called a diet and i suppose you're right but that isn't how i have been thinking of it at all. it truly has been an experiment. it started with these headaches. when i first moved into the new house i got these awful headaches. i thought it was dust, so i cleaned the whole house. then maybe it was nerves, will the new people be good people to cohabit a house with? but i have since met them and do really enjoy their company. was it money issues? i don't currently have a job but i do have some hopeful prospects so i doubt it is that. sleep deprivation? dehydration? lack of nutrients? these last three seem to be the culprits. i have been working on my sleep schedule, it is slightly disarrayed as of right now but i am still getting 8-9 hours a day, spread out throughout the day and night. i have started eating more fruits and veggies and whole grains and clean dairies and have stopped being so dependent on meats. i have started walking to and from school, with an extra jaunt around town also being thrown into the day, and this truly has been helping. maybe my car dependency of the summertime has caught up with me, but i find myself barely able to speed walk to the end of the street without feeling slightly winded, so up the ante must go!

i sometimes feel these overwhelmingly sad moments where i feel so trapped in a body i do not want but i have come to realize that the body i have surrounding my soul is entirely my own doings. i do not have flabby arms because i am a bad person, i just do not treat my arms to a well-deserved workout. my legs jiggle because i do not use them often enough. my skin bloats due to high salt foods and my stomach rejects my old clothes because i do not think of the difference between hungry and bored. i want to change this. i do not like how my body makes me feel. the rest of my life has been on such a positive incline with such a joie de vivre in the past 2 years and i have changed so much as a person, and yes, i know, looks do not matter in the long run, but it is the emotional feelings i get about myself that i want to change. i want to know i am always at my 100% best health and ready to take on anything thrown my way. three cheers to changing emotional slip ups about things i can change. we can all change if we really want to.

me and some friends last year when i was much healthier. i believe we were hosting a Frank Sinatra themed party.

as for the title of this note, its just a deftones song. its always some kinda song.

occasionally,

"i saw you with your new friends, you wear them so well, broken shoes and loose ends, gee you look swell. me, i'm drinkin too much coffee, i'm smoking cigarettes, i'm a deputy of habit, i just can't forget."


oh melissa etheridge, you always seem to know how to say it just right. i feel like lately i've been dying to bust out and become a traveling gypsy singer who's free as a bird and then some. only problem is i can't sing very nicely.. hmmm.. interestingly enough people usually ask me if i'm sick all the time because of the way my voice sounds, its kinda raspy or what i like to call a man-voice. i used to hate it, but i kinda like it. i get a lot of looks for it so hey it can't be all negative. anyways! this is totally not the point

i've been feeling this cloud of boredom and nothingness lately and i don't know what its all about. maybe its the sudden flash flood rains and coldy breezy days we've been having (c'mon canada, its still AUGUST) but i am so excited for fall. bright leaves and long walks where your fingers almost start to go numb but you have your favourite pair of jeans on and a good ol cozy sweater or jacket. leaf fights are my favourite. so this cloud has been affecting me lately and i've been trying to analyze why because of all the feelings i could have, i'd rather not be feeling this one. i've had a whole 8days off work, (still got a few days left) and i just have been so bored! i had a few friends over all weekend but now i'm back in the busy workweek.. only i've got no work! my friends and family are working 9-5 and i'm just at home, being bored, cleaned all the things and now i got nothing left. then i realized.. i don't really have a hobby anymore. i mean, i guess just general hanging out and having fun with friends could be a hobby but i mean something that i just do for me. i used to be really into baseball and hockey. i played rep baseball for almost ten years in my old town, practices a few days a week, tournaments traveling every weekend, even in the winter we'd practice inside. it made me feel as though i had something that no one could take away from me, and i was good at it. i loved it. i loved my team, we were like sisters. i loved the smell, the feel, the way the vibrations felt in your hands when you hit the sweet spot on the bat and you knew you got a home run. same with hockey. the sound of your skates cutting the ice as you first step on. the way you could cradle the puck on your stick and chase after anyone who took it away from you. i realized i just haven't sweat for myself in a long, long time. sure, i've sweated in the past while, when the weather's been 95 degrees while i'm at work 12 hours a day in the sun. i've sweated while dancing up a storm with my friends and my sister. i've sweated packing up my stuff to prepare to move back to school in a few weeks. but i haven't sweat for myself. i haven't tested my body to the point where i'm not sure how i'm even doing it, but i'm gonna get there just for my own competitive nature, even if i pay for it later in soreness. i keep telling myself "i'm gonna start running!" but then its too hot. or too cold. or raining. or windy. or i just showered. or i'm hungry, can't run hungry, can't run full. i wanna push myself and see how far i can go. compete with my self. i haven't worked on bettering myself at all in a long time. i want to be satisfied with my natural state. i have let myself go. i have let the idea of the next snack become more important than the idea of what my body is telling me and how i feel about my current state. i love myself, but i know i am not nearly as healthy as i could be. so my new hobby is a simple one. its just to love myself. and let myself take up all my free time. i want to spoil myself in simpleness. i want to feel the refreshing shower hit me after i've sweated what feels like an impossible amount. i want to feel glowing and bright radiance of natural foods shining through my skin and dancing through my bloodstream cleaning out all the bad choices i've made. i wanna make something that didn't come out a package, but out of the ground. i'm going to start with some goals. and here they are without further ado

1. drink at least 10 cups of water every day and choose water over juices or pop
2. run at least once a day, for any amount of time over 10 minutes. try and go farther and farther each day if only by a step
3. go to the library and pick a book that i have never read, about a topic that i don't know anything about
4. make my meals, trying to use as little salt and or packaged foods as possible (and nothing in a shiny foil wrapper for a few weeks)
5. really inhabit my body for a bit of the day each day. (dance around freely, be with myself and absorb music, run around the house naked, whatever works)
6. show my cat lots of love, as i'm leaving home again in a few weeks time and i know i'll miss her terribly

(me and socks, she didn't like the camera much)

the misty mountain hop,

hello there once again
i really am bad at posting fairly often but i hope once i get back at school and have more of a schedule and less of a work-slave relationship with myself i'll have more time for publishing a lot of thoughts i've been thinking about for quite some time.
today i had a revelation, hence this post.
i was in my bathroom, brushing my teeth with some fancy "make your teeth THE MOST WHITE EVER" toothpaste and i became aware. i became aware of a lot of things that had never really hit me so hard before,
i looked around the bathroom.
everything in there seemed to jumping out at me aggressively and i actually had to sit down on the floor and think about what was going in my head.
every product in there seemed to scream out at me USE MEEEEE MAKE YOURSELF BETTTTTTERRRR
it was upsetting to say the very least!
i have always been of the mindset "don't compare yourself to others, you have no idea what their journey is all about" it is my favourite quote a friend of mine once said to me and i have never really forgotten or let go of it. what does this have to do with me in the bathroom? let me explain a little better.
i realized i didn't have to have the whitest teeth in the world, and i didn't need sun bleaching shampoo to lighten my already light blonde hair, and i didn't need face makeup to hide my face tan and my freckles, i didn't need mascara to hide my blonde eyelashes (i'm a lifeguard just fyi so summertime = sunbleached hair and very very tanned skin.. and a sunglasses tan of course) i felt sick. i had become this monster consuming these things to look like those i had seen walking around or in pictures or magazines. it wasn't even that i don't like the way i look.. i just felt as though it wasn't what i SHOULD look like. i really hate the word should. all the guilt and implications and comparisons of opinions and judgements just really get me raging. besides the point. i generally like my looks, i love my natural curl hair state, my tan makes it clear how much i love nature and the glowing blonde eyebrows and eyelashes really tie in the whole unique look i have in the summer, but i had been so caught up in my comparisons of what i SHOULD look like and dress like, i had completely forgotten that i already liked my look. i then, on the bathroom floor started smiling, and crying. i felt a little crazy but i just went with it. i was happy that i had realized this before it had gone on any longer, but i was sad it even got so far. i began to examine the thoughts i had been having lately and they mostly seemed to be comparisons of me versus other people. i wasn't as tanned as that girl. i'm not as blonde as her. my hair isn't that curly. my legs aren't that muscley. my voice doesn't sound like hers. i'm not as smart as him and i'm not as fast at running as that other girl and this and that and all these things. a cloud of negative thoughts i'd been unconsciously having floated off me as i sat there laughing and crying on the bathroom mat. i didn't matter if i was or wasn't those things, if i could honestly say to myself "hey! you're pretty awesome and i'm pretty okay with being me! as far as people go, we're pretty great!" i have a few things i do personally wish to work on (physical endurance and general health within the body and calmness in my mind) but those things aren't related to another. they are simply just me noticing things about myself that i personally would like to invest time in to exploring. and so, i leave you with that my friends, as silly as it sounds, better yourself, and you won't find yourself worrying about who's better than you.


oh and if you're wondering about the title... give the song a listen.. if you're not already a Led Zeppelin fan, you will be. particularly.. "Why don't you take a good look at yourself and describe what you see,
and babyyyyy, baby, baby, do you like it?
There you sit, sitting spare like a book on a shelf rustin',
ahhhhhhhh, not trying to fight it.
You really don't care if they're comin'; oh, oh,
I know that it's all a state of mind."

:)

i don't know,

hello hello hello hello
i have my computer back, after a long 7 weeks without it
i have this weird feeling, it is a sort of dread and mostly it makes me feel really, really alive.
its as if i feel like doing everything i've ever dreamed of doing and i have all the energy in the world for it, and i know i could do an outstanding job and just overwhelmingly go go go go go go feeling
you may think, hey! that's wonderful, you must get soo0o0o0o0o much done.
this feeling only comes to me at night. when it is too late to run errands, or run on the streets for as long as i feel like. i wish to ride my bike all over the town and blast music and dance around and make food and drive fast and build beautiful things and swim, oh i could just swim forever so it feels. i just want to propel myself forward. i don't know what to do about this feeling, it keeps me up at night, i just don't feel tired. then i awake after about 4 hours of sleep and dread the day. i don't want to do anything at all, just stay under the covers with my favourite music, my cat and some movies and books. its driving me up the wall. i'm trying to get out this feeling by writing a bit each night, trying to get out some creative energy. it is hopefully going to help me morph into a daytime energy spaz hurricane lightning bolt of gogogogogogo.
that's all i got i'm afraid. i made a curtain today! below is a photo of it in all its glory, finally something to do with that fabric

forty-six and two

i don't know how many of you out there listen to or like the band Tool, but they happen to be my favourite. 46&2 was one of the first songs I heard by them and it always stands out as one of my favourites (although I could say that about almost every one of their songs.. just not Disgustipated :| ) anyways! 46&2. "I wanna feel the change consume me, feel the outside turning in, I wanna feel the metamorphosis and cleansing I've endured in" could there be a better song to describe the desperate ways in which humans fight through life? "I'm down, digging through my old muscles looking for a clue, I've been crawling on my belly, clearing out what could've been, I've been wallowing in my own chaotic, insecure delusions".. Am I the only one who seems to think this thought more than once a day. its a pact to oneself to live quite simply, in a forward motion, anything involving looking back involves silent desperation and will only end in self-induced turmoil. I've been really into Led Zeppelin lately. Well, I've always loved Led Zeppelin and have all their albums and whatnot, but I feel as though lately, I've been at the point where I can more clearly understand what it is they're projecting with their music (other than insane talent of which I am jealous). I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm feeling musical lately. I don't feel like doing much of anything but listening to music and letting it take me where it will. and bike riding. I had a nearly orgasmic experience the other day while riding my bike. the song "achilles last stand" (Zeppelin) came on and it was getting kind of warm out (for Canada anyways) and then all of sudden it got very hot almost, but very dark. I looked up and there was this intense storm cloud just waiting to explode all over me. I felt the tension in the air as it waited for the right charge. as the rain came streaming down I just couldn't stop laughing. I had been a part of that experience with nature, led zeppelin blasting away in my eardrums, my hands soaked and clinging to the bike handles, my clothes sadly sagging off my frame with a sloppy wetness I couldn't even be upset over. There I was, and I was just that. I just was. I started to ride some more and felt as though I was floating in a completely wicked natural high that took me along with it as simply as a dandyfluff on a summer afternoon breeze. I was so alive, I got tantric goosebumps and a rich giggle stuck in my throat. I wished everyone I knew was there to experience that moment. oh the tension.

on a sidenote, today is my 20th birthday. I'm not quite sure how I feel about being 20, it seems like quite an adjustment to how I was "allowed" to behave when I was a teenager. as Tool would say, I feel the changes coming down, and I certainly wanna know what I've been hiding!

love

my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth,

i don't have much to say, i'm just attempting to figure out my head per usual. i just went on a complete spree at the grocery store and i feel really great about it. i'm going to attempt something new for myself after a serious illness i've been feeling for quite sometime. it hit an all-time low waking up sweaty and disorientated in a different room than where i fell asleep, with no idea how it happened and a terrifying feeling in my heart. i don't want to live like this. i don't ever want to feel that horrible inhuman feeling ever again. so i'm banishing it, just like the fog. i'm banishing it and taking in life instead of negative vibes. i've cut out alot of people from my life recently, and its been calming although sad. i feel now as though i have infinitely more free time now that i'm not attempting to please everyone, only to receive negative feedback and energy from them anyways. so that's that. i went on vacation last week and that is what really sealed the deal. i've found, i don't really need people. i don't care to talk to them and i really enjoy being with myself. i have always felt the need to be around others all the time to keep myself happy but i found it is not what makes me happy. i make myself happy. and don't get me wrong, i have the best family and the best friends in the world. i love each of them to bits. but the other people.. well.. there's a reason i didn't return your call or tell you when i was in town. i don't really care to. i'd rather be out with my dogs walking on the lake or driving to a field just to enjoy the smell of crisp (and freezing cold) air. nothing in the world is better than that. anyways what i wanted to say was that this week i'm trying for only eating food straight from the ground. i'm excited.. i'll keep you posted on the feelings i get from it.

here's a photo of the fridge at day one.

why don't we do it in the road?

paul mccartney sang, why don't we do it in the road? no one will be watching us.. he declared no special meaning by the song, merely that whatever your "it" is, do it in the road. written after seeing two monkeys copulate in the streets of india (a colossal time of change for the beatles). this song, i adore it, i literally cannot get enough of it. the raw emotion and conviction he has behind the singing, its retardedly good. it screams everything i've ever tried to put into action. its just one of those things, y'know? maybe you don't. but i suggest you give it a whirl.
i have lately felt this really strange feeling, its almost like having a fog over my brain and just general person. maybe its the cold winter darkness bringing me down, maybe its the continuous motions i've been finding myself repeating day in and day out with little to no variation.. i do not know. i know i do not like it. i am trying to break loose of this corruptive fog. its like a depression of sorts i guess one might say, but i do not feel sad. i merely have no will to do much of anything. i still am happy with my life and enjoy being at home and with my friends but not to the same extent before this fog. i no longer attend classes, i barely think anything of missing a full week of school. i've started calling in to work, sick. i am sick, i am not feeling my best. i would typically reside in my car for some good ol' fashioned speeding and blasting music, but my car has broken down and won't be fixed for a while. i suppose that's what you get for squandering all your money away on food and alcohol, neither of which i needed in that proportion. for most the death of a car would be an inconvenience, but for me it is more than that, its like a death in the family. that car has driven me to some of the best places and times i've ever known, driven me away from all the worst ones i can think of, protected me from dependency and given me a place to hide when i don't want anyone to be able to find me. its not completely unfixable, but right now the outlook seems bleak. i don't want to pay for fixing it, but i cannot easily get to work without it. its a conundrum of modern society, i tell ya. stupid fog, making me a mumbled up mixture of a mess. 
i'm going to post a picture of myself in a natural state, right before i get into my bed. and with that picture i am going to make myself a promise. its a natural state photo, and i want to improve my natural state. i don't want to be a piece of garbage, i want to be who i was before the fog came rolling in. i will return to my naturalistic optimistic state, and i won't look back on this fog longingly, for i hope to never feel its dark clutches around my eyes and neck again. i will move forward, not forgetting the fog, but improving upon it. so goodbye to you, fog, i have not enjoyed your stay but i appreciate the way you showed me that the life of the dimly lit is not one i will settle for.

whiterabbit;

feed your head, feed your head FEEEEEEDDDD YOUUUUR HEAAAADDDD.
jefferson starship/jefferson airplane (whichever you prefer) had it right all along. feed your head. i'm not just talking about reading and attempting to become increasingly intelligent. feed your head. the thought you think in your mind are the attitudes and actions you present outwards. lately i've been feeling really down and shitty, and i've been thinking not so much on the positive side, and its escaping out of every part of my being. but that is turning around. i'm making some changes. i'm feeding my head quite simply. every breath in may seem like the same old air, but it isn't. its a new breath of life, it means you're so very much alive, you are providing the necessities for your mind and body to continue onwards. onwards and upwards. that's how i feel i've been moving the past few days, i've really picked it all up. scatterbrained is one word which greatly describes me but i'm done fighting it. i am breathing it in and creating new life, and who knows what i'll create with the new life i'm giving myself? maybe i'm just going stir-crazy, cooped up in the same old house with the same old faces. maybe i'm going out and making it happen with strangers. maybe i'm finally losing it. all i know is lately all i've been wanting to do is listen to the music of generations past and drive. or maybe frolic in the snow, a daily reminder that nature rules above all else. everything has been feeling so cluttered and unnecessary and just ughh just not how i feel i want it to be what i surround myself with. i've been experimenting with loneliness the past few days and its been invigorating. knowing that you can go wherever you so please on your own terms, no one to report to or please, just living life as nature intended it to be. natural. speaking of natural i've been becoming more vegetarian-orientated lately and its left me feeling fantastic. leafy greens and bright oranges and reds, sour and spicy and sweet, crunchy and juicy and overflowing with natural goodness. i sank my teeth into the seeds of a pomegranate today and let the juice pour down my face for a few seconds, letting it all soak in, nutrients straight from the earth itself, what could be better feeling? running, feeling the sweat pour down my face and combine with winter's cool breathy breeze on my skin and hair. its so i don't even know how to describe it.. unsoundly perfect? naturally disarming? perfect just doesn't seem to do it justice.

ps. this was a rambling post of no theme or purpose, but its just where my heads at i suppose.

i saw red,

so its a new year, and that would give one the false expectation of new years resolutions and complete life changes. i say false merely because this is the worst time of year to make these sorts of self-monitoring promises, statistically anyways. what i have been doing with my time, oh my, would one consider it to be a lifestyle change? a resolution? i don't know what i would call it, maybe its just small realizations and interesting concepts finally coming to light. maybe its just growing into life. hey, i mean everyone else is doing it, right? thing is, i don't intend on changing anything this year except for one thing. this is the year that i am not going to make excuses. (to be honest this started in about november, so i can't even say its a strictly "new year" thing, but still). i no longer am willing to make excuses about anything. i didn't do that final paper worth 60% because i didn't want to. maybe i didn't understand the concept, maybe i didn't give a shit, maybe i was asleep. i didn't answer your calls because i didn't want to talk to you. i'm not calling you back because i'm not interested in your words. i'm not concerned about contacting you because i don't want to see you. i'm pretending i'm asleep because i'm not even going to pretend to care what you're going on about. i'm honest with you because no one really wants to be. i say i don't like you? i don't. i'm not "just kidding" or "just sayin'" i just don't like you and that's that. i am in debt because i spend money on alcohol and clothes. i'm not healthy because i binge eat. i'm not getting the grades i want because i'm not going to class. i'm still not responding to you because i don't feel like it.
so the next time you see me, or hear from me, you can rest easily. don't look for a hidden meaning, whatever i'm saying to you is what i am thinking, and what i'm doing is what i want. and i love you, in some small way, if i'm even bothering to be around you at all. so please, don't fret. i have never felt so liberated as when projecting exact truths.
don't get me wrong, i live an extraordinarily happy life, i have the best friends i've ever had, the closest with my family i've ever been, love interests that keep me happily on my toes, pets that drive me insane yet are a huge part of my fantastic world. i love my school, i love my work. i just don't want to pretend any longer. especially not to my self. 

on another note, i wanna get back into nature. i've missed ya old friend, let's do lunch sometime soon ;)