my thoughts were so loud I couldn't hear my mouth,

i don't have much to say, i'm just attempting to figure out my head per usual. i just went on a complete spree at the grocery store and i feel really great about it. i'm going to attempt something new for myself after a serious illness i've been feeling for quite sometime. it hit an all-time low waking up sweaty and disorientated in a different room than where i fell asleep, with no idea how it happened and a terrifying feeling in my heart. i don't want to live like this. i don't ever want to feel that horrible inhuman feeling ever again. so i'm banishing it, just like the fog. i'm banishing it and taking in life instead of negative vibes. i've cut out alot of people from my life recently, and its been calming although sad. i feel now as though i have infinitely more free time now that i'm not attempting to please everyone, only to receive negative feedback and energy from them anyways. so that's that. i went on vacation last week and that is what really sealed the deal. i've found, i don't really need people. i don't care to talk to them and i really enjoy being with myself. i have always felt the need to be around others all the time to keep myself happy but i found it is not what makes me happy. i make myself happy. and don't get me wrong, i have the best family and the best friends in the world. i love each of them to bits. but the other people.. well.. there's a reason i didn't return your call or tell you when i was in town. i don't really care to. i'd rather be out with my dogs walking on the lake or driving to a field just to enjoy the smell of crisp (and freezing cold) air. nothing in the world is better than that. anyways what i wanted to say was that this week i'm trying for only eating food straight from the ground. i'm excited.. i'll keep you posted on the feelings i get from it.

here's a photo of the fridge at day one.

why don't we do it in the road?

paul mccartney sang, why don't we do it in the road? no one will be watching us.. he declared no special meaning by the song, merely that whatever your "it" is, do it in the road. written after seeing two monkeys copulate in the streets of india (a colossal time of change for the beatles). this song, i adore it, i literally cannot get enough of it. the raw emotion and conviction he has behind the singing, its retardedly good. it screams everything i've ever tried to put into action. its just one of those things, y'know? maybe you don't. but i suggest you give it a whirl.
i have lately felt this really strange feeling, its almost like having a fog over my brain and just general person. maybe its the cold winter darkness bringing me down, maybe its the continuous motions i've been finding myself repeating day in and day out with little to no variation.. i do not know. i know i do not like it. i am trying to break loose of this corruptive fog. its like a depression of sorts i guess one might say, but i do not feel sad. i merely have no will to do much of anything. i still am happy with my life and enjoy being at home and with my friends but not to the same extent before this fog. i no longer attend classes, i barely think anything of missing a full week of school. i've started calling in to work, sick. i am sick, i am not feeling my best. i would typically reside in my car for some good ol' fashioned speeding and blasting music, but my car has broken down and won't be fixed for a while. i suppose that's what you get for squandering all your money away on food and alcohol, neither of which i needed in that proportion. for most the death of a car would be an inconvenience, but for me it is more than that, its like a death in the family. that car has driven me to some of the best places and times i've ever known, driven me away from all the worst ones i can think of, protected me from dependency and given me a place to hide when i don't want anyone to be able to find me. its not completely unfixable, but right now the outlook seems bleak. i don't want to pay for fixing it, but i cannot easily get to work without it. its a conundrum of modern society, i tell ya. stupid fog, making me a mumbled up mixture of a mess. 
i'm going to post a picture of myself in a natural state, right before i get into my bed. and with that picture i am going to make myself a promise. its a natural state photo, and i want to improve my natural state. i don't want to be a piece of garbage, i want to be who i was before the fog came rolling in. i will return to my naturalistic optimistic state, and i won't look back on this fog longingly, for i hope to never feel its dark clutches around my eyes and neck again. i will move forward, not forgetting the fog, but improving upon it. so goodbye to you, fog, i have not enjoyed your stay but i appreciate the way you showed me that the life of the dimly lit is not one i will settle for.