whiterabbit;

feed your head, feed your head FEEEEEEDDDD YOUUUUR HEAAAADDDD.
jefferson starship/jefferson airplane (whichever you prefer) had it right all along. feed your head. i'm not just talking about reading and attempting to become increasingly intelligent. feed your head. the thought you think in your mind are the attitudes and actions you present outwards. lately i've been feeling really down and shitty, and i've been thinking not so much on the positive side, and its escaping out of every part of my being. but that is turning around. i'm making some changes. i'm feeding my head quite simply. every breath in may seem like the same old air, but it isn't. its a new breath of life, it means you're so very much alive, you are providing the necessities for your mind and body to continue onwards. onwards and upwards. that's how i feel i've been moving the past few days, i've really picked it all up. scatterbrained is one word which greatly describes me but i'm done fighting it. i am breathing it in and creating new life, and who knows what i'll create with the new life i'm giving myself? maybe i'm just going stir-crazy, cooped up in the same old house with the same old faces. maybe i'm going out and making it happen with strangers. maybe i'm finally losing it. all i know is lately all i've been wanting to do is listen to the music of generations past and drive. or maybe frolic in the snow, a daily reminder that nature rules above all else. everything has been feeling so cluttered and unnecessary and just ughh just not how i feel i want it to be what i surround myself with. i've been experimenting with loneliness the past few days and its been invigorating. knowing that you can go wherever you so please on your own terms, no one to report to or please, just living life as nature intended it to be. natural. speaking of natural i've been becoming more vegetarian-orientated lately and its left me feeling fantastic. leafy greens and bright oranges and reds, sour and spicy and sweet, crunchy and juicy and overflowing with natural goodness. i sank my teeth into the seeds of a pomegranate today and let the juice pour down my face for a few seconds, letting it all soak in, nutrients straight from the earth itself, what could be better feeling? running, feeling the sweat pour down my face and combine with winter's cool breathy breeze on my skin and hair. its so i don't even know how to describe it.. unsoundly perfect? naturally disarming? perfect just doesn't seem to do it justice.

ps. this was a rambling post of no theme or purpose, but its just where my heads at i suppose.

i saw red,

so its a new year, and that would give one the false expectation of new years resolutions and complete life changes. i say false merely because this is the worst time of year to make these sorts of self-monitoring promises, statistically anyways. what i have been doing with my time, oh my, would one consider it to be a lifestyle change? a resolution? i don't know what i would call it, maybe its just small realizations and interesting concepts finally coming to light. maybe its just growing into life. hey, i mean everyone else is doing it, right? thing is, i don't intend on changing anything this year except for one thing. this is the year that i am not going to make excuses. (to be honest this started in about november, so i can't even say its a strictly "new year" thing, but still). i no longer am willing to make excuses about anything. i didn't do that final paper worth 60% because i didn't want to. maybe i didn't understand the concept, maybe i didn't give a shit, maybe i was asleep. i didn't answer your calls because i didn't want to talk to you. i'm not calling you back because i'm not interested in your words. i'm not concerned about contacting you because i don't want to see you. i'm pretending i'm asleep because i'm not even going to pretend to care what you're going on about. i'm honest with you because no one really wants to be. i say i don't like you? i don't. i'm not "just kidding" or "just sayin'" i just don't like you and that's that. i am in debt because i spend money on alcohol and clothes. i'm not healthy because i binge eat. i'm not getting the grades i want because i'm not going to class. i'm still not responding to you because i don't feel like it.
so the next time you see me, or hear from me, you can rest easily. don't look for a hidden meaning, whatever i'm saying to you is what i am thinking, and what i'm doing is what i want. and i love you, in some small way, if i'm even bothering to be around you at all. so please, don't fret. i have never felt so liberated as when projecting exact truths.
don't get me wrong, i live an extraordinarily happy life, i have the best friends i've ever had, the closest with my family i've ever been, love interests that keep me happily on my toes, pets that drive me insane yet are a huge part of my fantastic world. i love my school, i love my work. i just don't want to pretend any longer. especially not to my self. 

on another note, i wanna get back into nature. i've missed ya old friend, let's do lunch sometime soon ;)