so its a new year, and that would give one the false expectation of new years resolutions and complete life changes. i say false merely because this is the worst time of year to make these sorts of self-monitoring promises, statistically anyways. what i have been doing with my time, oh my, would one consider it to be a lifestyle change? a resolution? i don't know what i would call it, maybe its just small realizations and interesting concepts finally coming to light. maybe its just growing into life. hey, i mean everyone else is doing it, right? thing is, i don't intend on changing anything this year except for one thing. this is the year that i am not going to make excuses. (to be honest this started in about november, so i can't even say its a strictly "new year" thing, but still). i no longer am willing to make excuses about anything. i didn't do that final paper worth 60% because i didn't want to. maybe i didn't understand the concept, maybe i didn't give a shit, maybe i was asleep. i didn't answer your calls because i didn't want to talk to you. i'm not calling you back because i'm not interested in your words. i'm not concerned about contacting you because i don't want to see you. i'm pretending i'm asleep because i'm not even going to pretend to care what you're going on about. i'm honest with you because no one really wants to be. i say i don't like you? i don't. i'm not "just kidding" or "just sayin'" i just don't like you and that's that. i am in debt because i spend money on alcohol and clothes. i'm not healthy because i binge eat. i'm not getting the grades i want because i'm not going to class. i'm still not responding to you because i don't feel like it.
so the next time you see me, or hear from me, you can rest easily. don't look for a hidden meaning, whatever i'm saying to you is what i am thinking, and what i'm doing is what i want. and i love you, in some small way, if i'm even bothering to be around you at all. so please, don't fret. i have never felt so liberated as when projecting exact truths.
don't get me wrong, i live an extraordinarily happy life, i have the best friends i've ever had, the closest with my family i've ever been, love interests that keep me happily on my toes, pets that drive me insane yet are a huge part of my fantastic world. i love my school, i love my work. i just don't want to pretend any longer. especially not to my self.
on another note, i wanna get back into nature. i've missed ya old friend, let's do lunch sometime soon ;)
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